Sharing Thoughts, Sharing Life

Posted: 2003-02-17 in General

Did you ever regret saying something just as soon as it came out of your mouth?

I had that feeling on Friday, when I went out to dinner for Valentine's Day.

The dinner itself was really wonderful, and we had a great, great, GREAT time. We had amazing italian food and shared a nice bottle of wine, and just talked almost the entire time we were there…You could tell our waiter was one of those really experienced guys that can commit everything and then some to memory, and always delivers the right food to the right table at the right time, barring kitchen mishaps. Anyway, he was basically covering half the restaurant, and a couple of his slips ended up at our table, where he first brought me the wrong soup, and then accidentally brought us the meals of the people sitting next to us. Both mistakes were miniscule (and have happened more than once to me before) and he got the right food to the right tables within a minute or two.

Anyway, I guess he was beating himself up over his slip-ups so much that at the end of the meal, our good friend Mike the waiter brought Dee an extra glass of wine and brought us a special Valentine's cake (chocolate with chocolate icing and strawberries) for free, to make up for what we had "suffered" through. Needless to say, that cake was indescribably delicious, and Mike got a little extra in his tip 🙂

But I COMPLETELY digress…what I said during dinner wasn't bad, or even wrong, in most circumstances. I was enjoying the dinner so much, and basking in the glow of being a good fiancĂ© (good presents plus a love letter), that I brought up what I had been spending all my time on the computer each evening doing, namely writing Februarium entries, and explained the whole who/what/when/where/why love theme to her. If I hadn't gone into the details of the theme here, I think I would have been okay, but instead of just stopping and dropping it, I went down in burning flames and had to stop, drop and roll to keep from roasting alive.

I wasn't going to lie about my entries, so when I brought up the fact that my "when" and "where" entries did reference my past girlfriend, I think it bothered her a bit. And that bother turned into a worry, and that worry turned into a feeling that she couldn't let go of.

So today, she decided she couldn't not know any longer and decided to read my entries. I know that one time, a long time ago, I had told her my URL, but I had no idea she still remembered it. So anyway, she went online at work, opened up my entries, and read through them. And then she called me up, and bawled to me over the phone about how terrible she felt for invading my privacy.

This was a complete shock to me, but not because I was bothered in the least by her reading my entries. In fact, had she asked about any of it, I would have told her exactly what I said, or even read them out to her so she could see what I had written. No, my shock was that it had bothered her that much, and that she had felt so awful about reading the entries. I tried to console her and tell her that my love for her meant that I would always share my thoughts and feelings with her, and it wasn't invading my privacy to read my journal when I invited her to do so. I think she was more upset over that "breach of privacy" than she was over anything in the entries (although she did mention a little bit of jealousy), so we finally spoke for a while about privacy and how we each felt about it and she promised that in the future, she would ask for my permission before reading anything else, so I could write what I felt and not feel I had to "hide" anything in my entries that she would be reading.

It seems sort of weird to me, now, that I don't feel that she did invade my privacy. I can't even seem to feel like I have some sort of privacy level that she could invade, short of reading my every thought straight out of my brain. I don't know if it's just something to do with how much I love her, of if my modesty levels have just dropped faster than the stock market after 9/11, but I don't mind sharing anything and everything with this woman, and it doesn't phase me in the least to have her reading my innermost thoughts as I key them into a page in front of me…

Anyway, I know we feel differently about our levels of privacy, so I think Dee and I will still have some things to talk about on the issue, including where her limits are. The thing I want to do least is upset her by overstepping some personal-space boundary that infringes on her comfort level, and if she has something she doesn't feel comfortable telling to anyone, I want her to have a place to still let it out and keep it safe, even from me.

Anyway, Dee, if you ever do happen to read this entry, know that I love you even more than I did before you called me today, and that our special bond only increased in vigor and strength when you shared what you did with me.

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