An Open Letter to the People on My Drive Home Yesterday

Posted: 2007-09-20 in General
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
  • To the driver of a silver BMW that absolutely had to cut in an out of traffic already going 80 miles an hour, only to end up in the exit lane and speed up to 100 in order to cut back over into traffic just before you would have been forced to leave the highway: You sir, are an idiot and a menace.  I hope all four of your tires develop flats on the way to work tomorrow morning.

  • To the jacktard driving the black Corvette with his left hand holding his cell phone to his right ear, while barely steering with his right hand while going 5 miles under the speed limit while in the fast(est) lane: You sir, are a douche.  If you hung up the phone or at least drove with a hands-free set, you might have less problems with everyone cutting you off every 2 seconds.  And if that doesn't work, try hanging out in another lane, preferably one all the way over on the right where the cars going your speed tend to congregate.

  • To the driver of the gold Accord who made a left at the intersection WELL AFTER the light had turned red: Were you in such a godawful hurry that you were willing to cut off oncoming traffic and risk an accident to arrive somewhere 1 minute earlier?  I hope you managed to catch that last minute of commercials before Judge Judy came on – it would be a shame for you to go through so much effort just to miss out on the latest advertisement for Papa John's super-mega-meatlovers-extreme pizza.

  • To the lady in the white SUV with the vanity license plate that read "USA": I hope your name is Ursula Sarah Adams, because NOBODY needs to be so patriotic that they choose to name their vanity plate after their country of residence.  It's not clever and it's not cute.

  • To all other drivers out there:  Thank you for not pissing me off on the way home.  I actually had a pleasant drive, besides these nincompoops that made me dictate these comments while I was driving home.

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  1. Hannahbanana says:

    Jacktard. Hee. My new favourite word 🙂


  2. Kevin Wolf says:

    I saw a lady driving a crappy blue/green sedan with the vanity license plate "REZNOR". Below that was a Nine Inch Nails bumper sticker. I was going to blog about it, but didn't really have the energy.
    It boiled down to: this woman is a fool.


  3. Steve Betz says:

    What Hannah said.
    You will almost never be pulled over in Southern California for speeding. You WILL however get pulled over for weaving in and out of traffic and doing all sorts of jacktardian things.


  4. grrrace says:

    you should've followed that silver bmw home to make SURE he had four flats on his way to work. ;P hehehe…


  5. Ross says:

    Haha…I've *heard* that cutting the valve stems on a set of tires does no long term damage to the tires (thus no situation where you can file an insurance claim for new tires) but still provides all the hassle of flat tires. Or even more hassle, since you can't just patch it up but have to actually get the valve stems ($2 each) replaced at a tire shop. But I have no experience to back this up.


  6. grrrace says:

    i'm totally filing this away in my brain under "things i MUST remember" hehe.


  7. Stuart says:

    I'd personally like to praise and exhalt the bus driver who decided that the nasal harvest he was engaged in took prioroty over the safety of him, his passengers and the other road users. Hey dude, you totally owned that bogey.


  8. LeendaDLL says:

    This mornings, for me, was "Dear 'County of Los Angeles Motor Pool' car driver – aren't county officials supposed to be a weee bit responsible about their driving? Your constant lane changing – including in and out of the carpool lane when you had no passengers, nor "hybrid vehicle – HOV allowed" stickers, nor even a hybrid car – while tailgating and generally being an ASS, really made me wish to witness the accident which you seem in such a hurry to cause. Good luck with that!"


  9. Ross says:

    See, in that case, I'd make a point to take down the number of the car and make a formal complaint. If you're conspicuously marked, you should realize you should keep your head down and not do anything that'll come back to bite you in the butt.


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