Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Me: *snoring*

Alarm clock @ 5:15: *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* WAKE UP. WAKE UP. *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Me: Huh? Wha? Huh?

Alarm Clock: WAKE UP. Or I will continue to blare Top 40 Country hits until I wake up your wife and daughters.

Me: Huh? Wha?

Me: Wait, what is going on here?

Me: Does that clock say 5:15?  Who the hell set the alarm for 5:15?

Me: Oh wait, I set the alarm for 5:15.

Me: Why on earth did I set the alarm for 5:15 again?

Me: *slides out of bed, turns off the alarm*

Alarm Clock: See ya tomorrow, sucker.

My Body: Wait. What are you doing standing up? We should be sleeping right now.

Me: I’m not exactly sure, myself.  Brain, you want to weigh in?

My Brain: You’ve reached Ross’ Brain. I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message I’ll get back as soon as possible. Hahahaha.

Me: Umm.

Body: Seriously.  Get horizontal now, or I’m gonna do it for you.

Me: Wait. Running. I’m supposed to go running this morning.

Body: Are you kidding? There’s no way I’m going running this morning. Actually, I don’t know why I’m even having this conversation with you. I’m going back to bed.

Me: (weakly) No.

Body: Excuse me?

Me: (more strongly) Just give me a minute. Nap while I stand here and think for a second.

Body: Ok, get back to me when you decide to go back to bed.

Me: *shuffles to kitchen, makes cup of coffee and toasted english muffin w/ peanut butter*

Brain: Is that coffee?

Me: I think so.

Brain: *sniffs* GIMME.

Me: Hold on, it’s too hot.

Brain: DON’T CARE. GIMME.

Brain: Oof. Why am I so fuzzy?

Me: Because it’s 5:27?

Brain: Yeah, that’d do it. Ok, drink your coffee and I’ll check back in with you in 10.

Me: *sips coffee and eats breakfast in silence*

Brain: Hey, so, question for you…

Me: Shoot.

Brain: Do you really need me on this run? Or can I check out until you’re done?

Me: Um. As long as I’m aware enough to watch out for cars, I should be ok.

Brain: Cool, yo. Catch you later!

Me: *gets geared up, stretches, and heads out the door*

Me: *starts to jog down the block*

Body: WHOA. Whoa. WHOA. WHOA. What the hell are you DOING??

Me: Running. Or at least trying to.

Body: Who told you that you could do that?

Me: Um. I need to. I want to. I think.

Body: You could have asked me.

Me: You were off in dreamland. Next time, help me out when I’m trying to get up and I’ll ask for your input.

Body: Yeah, like that’s gonna ever happen.

Me: Asking for your input?

Body: No, me helping you out.

Body: I’ll have you know I’m doing this under duress.

Me: I know. BELIEVE ME, I know.

Body: I’m not going to like this, you know.

Me: Yes you will.

Body: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Me: Um, you like running.

Body: NOT AT THE BUTTCRACK OF DAWN I DON’T.

Me: Relax, relax. Look, we’re already a half-mile in to the run.  Don’t you feel better?

Body: Not really.

Me: Then why are you running a minute faster pace than you were when we started?

Body: Because the sooner I hit 4 miles, the sooner I’m done with this running crap.

Me: That’s the ticket. Stick with me, kid, and you’ll go far.

Body: Yeah, not the best way to convince me to keep going.

Brain: HEY GUYS! MAN, THESE ARE SOME MONDO ENDORPHINS! I FEEL GREAT! I’M FLYING! I COULD REPROVE FERMAT’S LAST THEOREM WITH NO PAPER RIGHT NOW! MAN, DON’T YOU STOP RUNNING, EVER!

Me & Body: Shut up. Shut up now, or I will watch reruns of According to Jim until you shrivel up and are left sobbing in the deepest recesses of my head.

Brain: (meekly) OK. Hey, look out for that car.

Me: Thanks.

Brain: Don’t mention it.

Body: Um, guys – next time, can you plan a route that doesn’t involve hills?

Brain: That’s sort of hard to do around here.  We can minimize ’em, but unless we make laps in the neighborhood or drive over to the middle school track, it’s hard to keep it level.

Body: Fine by me!

Brain: Laps around the neighborhood are only slightly more appetizing than watching episodes of Deal or No Deal. I will do everything in my power to sabotage you at work today if you force me to do that more than once a week.

Me: Ok, ok, settle down, guys.  Look, we’ll work out a compromise later.  Right now though, let’s just get through this last mile and then we can move on to something a little more fun this morning.

Body: Like sleep?

Brain: Like more coffee?

Me: How about – a shower, some yogurt, and a nice leisurely drive to work with air conditioning and some interesting podcasts to listen to?

Body and Brain: Deal.

Me: *sighs* And to think I’m crazy enough to consider training for a half-marathon this fall.

Body and Brain: WHOA. Whoa. WHOA. WHOA.

Me: *sighs*

I caught this video today, and immediately thought of Steve.  Once I was a chemistry geek, but unfortunately those days are long behind me, and now I don’t know that I could even balance a chemical equation without a set of scales and some help. (Har de har har)

Anyway, enjoy the video, even if you don’t remember the difference between an exothermic and endothermic reaction.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBCmt_pJTRA

So you think you had a rough childhood?  Check out these pics and THEN tell me you had a rough childhood!

Of course, first, I had professional photographers constantly documenting my "chubby baby syndrome".


And then, pretty much as soon as I could stand, my parents put me to work.  Don't be fooled by my cheery expression.  I was told that I would not get my daily ration of Spaghetti-O's if I did not smile for the camera.


My parents were always dressing me up in silly costumes to entertain the throngs of the people at the local parks.  After I'd put on a performance, I'd wander through the crowd, passing a hat for spare change.


When I became too old to be cute during these performances, I was conscripted in a theme-based child-labor factory manufacturing cheap Native American knockoff goods.  We had to dress in costumes for the tour groups that came by every half hour.  Sometimes I would smuggle out a single feather or bead, and slowly built my own set of bongo drums that I then sold on the black market to pay for my raging Pixy Stix habit.


I had to take all my baths in the kitchen sink.  I didn't even get the whole sink to myself; I had to share it with one of my two brothers.


And finally, when my youngest brother was old enough to handle the guitarrón (acoustic bass), we three brothers were forced to start our very own mariachi band to entertain at the neighborhood synagogue.  Unfortunately, we could not afford the traditional charro outfits, and instead had to adorn ourselves in the cast-offs of the local children.  Our band's name, of course, was Vlad and the Transformer Tigers.  Unfortunately, the infighting began during post-production of our first record album, and it never saw the light of day.


So now you've seen the sordid truth of my youth.  I'm actually not out to find out who had the worst childhood, but I am curious – what was YOUR childhood like?  Bonus points if you post pictures of your own, or link to ones you've already posted in the past…

[NaBloPoMo 2008 – #17 / 30]

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A Saturday of 5ives

Posted: 2008-11-08 in General
Tags: , , , , ,

Some lists of 5ives, inspired by Merlin Mann's site 5ives.com.

Five Signs You Never Want to See Posted at Your Gym

  1. "Due to the rash of recent infections in the locker rooms, please wear flip-flops in the shower.  Better yet, please wear your tennis shoes in the shower."
  2. "Until we can get the CD player fixed, the PA system will be stuck playing Madonna's album "Ray of Light" on repeat.  Sorry for the inconvenience."
  3. "Any individual seen taking pictures in the locker rooms should be reported to the front desk at once."
  4. "We have now opened up a new session of the pole-dancing class SPECIFICALLY for those 55 and older.  All others should continue to take the Wednesday morning class."
  5. "Mandatory drug testing will begin on Monday morning.  Please show up hydrated and ready to 'go'."

Five Things You'd Be Better Off Doing Than Posting on Vox on Saturdays (and Sitting Around, Hoping for Comments)

  1. Organizing your CD collection chronologically by when you purchased the albums
  2. Scrubbing out your toilets with an old toothbrush
  3. Trying to convince someone of another political party that your chosen candidate is better than theirs
  4. Watching 12 straight hours of QVC or equivalent programming
  5. Calculate the average number of minutes in a given week you waste online

Five Reasons Merlin Mann Hasn't Posted Any New 5ives Recently

  1. He's spending all his time blogging about blogging better
  2. He has been secretly recruited by Barack Obama to implement a Getting Things Done system for the new administration (and everyone will have Hipster PDAs!)
  3. He just doesn't care anymore.  And he likes to see you cry about it.
  4. He's secretly hoping you'll post some lists to fill the void.  Then he plans to steal them from you and repost under his own name.
  5. He's too busy talking into a vaguely cell-phone-like object. (Be sure to check out the one entitled "Solid State" – it's funny)

Five Signs You May Want to Get a New Roommate

  1. You wake up to find your current roommate measuring your inseam.
  2. You walk in one day to find your roommate guiltily stuffing something large and furry down the garbage disposal.
  3. You think that your roommate believes the phrase "April showers" describes how often a year they should bathe
  4. When perusing the cookbooks in the kitchen, you come across A Cookbook for Cannibals
  5. Your roommate and his/her pet owl keeps you up all night with their incessant hooting

Five Reasons I Should Have a Fifth 5ive Here, But Don't

  1. It's almost midnight when I'm typing this, and I need to get some shuteye
  2. I ran out of good ideas for another list
  3. My tumblr addiction is getting out of control
  4. My dog ate my computer
  5. Ok, technically I do have a fifth 5ive now.  Do I have to go back and change the title?  Ah, screw it.

[NaBloPoMo 2008 – #8/30]

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Note: Sunday NaBloPoMo entries are always going to be the hardest to get out, since I am devoting most of my weekend to my family.  I'll definitely get them out, but the content on Sundays may be a little lighter than what I'm hoping to provide during the rest of the week.

I get a lot of random spam, but Gmail does a great job of dumping it in the spam folder so I never have to see it.  Unless I want to, of course.  It's usually a waste of time to look in there, but every once in a while I'll peruse it and find a few gems that strike me as funny.

Here's the best of the subject lines that I pulled before emptying my spam folder today:

It is the best moment to forget about everything just open the door

Having just read the story of the 3 little pigs to my daughter, I can imagine this would be exactly what the Big Bad Wolf would write in an email to the pig who built his house out of bricks.

S0FT Cialls at $2.22 per dose

Soft and Cialls (sic) should probably not be mentioned in the same sentence, if you get my drift.

Top products of top brands.

Classic undersell here.  I don't think it works very well, in spam or in other advertising fields.  I mean, who's going to buy Bounty if it was just advertised as "A pretty absorbent paper towel"?

It has never been this easy to change your life as radically as now

This actually might be a great mantra for my new self-help book.  Coming soon to a bookstore near you!

Knock her up with SpermaMax!

…Sorry, I just can't stop laughing at the name "SpermaMax".  I'll get back to you with a witty comment about this one later.

Show your close ones you care, quit smoking today

Great advice, not so great as a spam message…

Bring back time when girls were yours.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the 13th amendment got rid of slavery almost 150 years ago?  There's no going back, bud.

Want to act like a tiger in bed?

Um, depends.  Is this going to involve…."yiffing"? *shudder*

Do you have the two off hours per day?

Yes, if I have to get up early for work, you can pretty much be assured I'm going to have at least two hours that day that I'm feeling off.

Precious kitty banged in dark room bread

Uh…I don't know and I don't want to know.  But the text in the email also had "Runcible cat with crimson whiskers", which is pretty much the coolest band name I've heard this year.  (May be shortened to just Runcible Cat when they make it big.)

IT'S EASY AS 1, 2, 3

"Alex, What is 'A, B, C'?"

Hello. ur new offshore harmacy is open.

Now I'm wondering what a Harmacy would look like.  Obviously this is a seasonal store, only open in the month(s) preceding Halloween.  I'm picturing medieval dungeon decorations, complete with an iron maiden (Excellent!) and shackles on the walls.

Time to be a MAN.

Right!  Man up!  With SpermaMax!

When to stop blogging

Is this a hint this post has gone on too long?

[NaBloPoMo 2008 – #2/30]

Spam
Save Ferris

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Just discovered what I want for Father's Day.  Now how do I go back in time and tell my wife two weeks ago so it'll be here on Sunday?

(Gefilte Fish plaque can be found for purchase at Sticker Giant, here)

*Apologies to all who thought you were going to get more of a homage to Seinfeld than you actually did. Blame it on my new project, which is still keeping me too busy to write more stuff here.

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Last night, I had a dream.

No, not the MLK dream.  I never get that inspirational in my dreams.  Usually, I'm the main hero (spy, superhero, regular joe in a set of dangerous circumstances, etc) who has to do something to save the girl/day/world.  Usually I manage to do it.  But I digress, my dream wasn't about this, either.

Last night, I had a dream that I opened a new business.  A combination barber shop and strip club.

Before you give me strange looks, it seemed perfectly natural in the dream.  I can't remember the details, but business was booming and I remember sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar and counting stacks of cash in a manner reminiscent of Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard.

Now, a barber shop/strip club may seem like a good idea on the surface, but let's examine the pros and cons more closely:

Pros:

  1. There's finally an actual use for that barber pole
  2. Gives scumbags a great excuse when they get home – "Sorry honey, just got a haircut, let me go take a shower and get these little hairs off me [and conveniently wash away any traces of cigarette smoke and/or stripper perfume, heh heh heh]"
  3. You can coin all sorts of new phrases, like:
    1. "Shave and a lapdance, two bucks."
    2. "Buzz me, baby."
    3. "There is NO SEX in the shampoo room!" (with apologies to Chris Rock)

Cons:

  1. Cut hair and stripper glitter do not mix.  I have a sneaking suspicion the dancers would end up looking like female versions of Teen Wolf (Jason Bateman version, not Michael J. Fox version)
  2. The buzz of electric clippers in the background really cuts down on the erotic appeal of someone gyrating to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
  3. The phrase "Hey baby, do you want a barber-chair dance?" just doesn't sound right
  4. The stylists and the strippers fight over who gets the tip
  5. In a traditional barber shop, you can be reasonably certain that someone isn't going to come after your genitals with a pair of extra sharp scissors.  Add drunken, surly men and disgruntled dancers to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Yes, I think this is an idea better left unimplemented.

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…but for the moment, this is the only thing that has been on my mind.

Top 10 Facts Every Parent Should Know (or Learn) About Having a Second Baby

10. Sleep is your new best friend.  And lack of sleep will make you feel like you're doing everything wrong.  This is normal (unless you really are doing everything wrong, in which case, get with the program, dude).

9. If you can learn to change a diaper with your eyes closed, you will almost be able to stay asleep during late night feedings (which entail getting up, feeding the baby a bottle, burping her, changing her diaper, feeding her some more, burping her some more, and patting her to sleep).

8. Toddlers will have almost no interest in the new baby.  Except when the baby is crying, at which point your toddler will want your absolute undivided attention centered on them and then alone.

7. DVRs are your friend.  Sure, you could watch Three's Company or The Fresh Prince at 4 AM, but why not record something you are actually interested in and have that playing while you're speedwalking around the room hoping the resulting motion will help put the baby back to sleep?

6. Everyone is probably much less interested in hearing about your child than you think.  If you find yourself using more than one sentence to describe how the baby/family members are doing, you're probably going too far.  Unless you're talking to your mother/mother-in-law.  Then feel free to spend an hour on the smallest details of your child – they eat that stuff up.

5. It's worth the money to invest in a comfortable couch.  You'll be spending a LOT of time on it, and your back will thank you.

4. If you're not asking, "Is he/she supposed to be doing that?!?" at least once a week, you're either a pediatrician, a woman on her 5th+ child, or someone who isn't paying attention to their kid.  Pretty much the best thing your baby will be good at when they are born is their ability to cause their parents to freak out for some reason or another.

3. Everyone wants to hold the new baby.  But nobody wants to take her for a night so you can finally get some decent rest for the first time in weeks months years.

2. There is no such thing as free time anymore.

1. As a corollary to the above point, be careful about what you promise to take on.  You'll find it a lot harder to finish stuff than you

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For EF's most inappropriate holiday newsletter contest, I present a letter I "received" from Mrs. Judith Ozark, a 3rd cousin, twice-removed.  Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead just means I didn't disguise things well enough – pretend they're just coincidental resemblances instead, please.

Dear Loved Ones, Friends, Family, and anyone else who happens to read this letter,

Wow!  It's been another whole year already since my last Christmas letter to you all!  I was so happy last year to receive letters from 4 of you (Mom & Dad, Aunt Esme, Aunt Matilda, and Grandma Ruth).  Hopefully the rest of you are doing well!  Send me a note to let me know you're not dead!  Ha ha.

Things have been wonderful here in the Ozark household.  Mitch, Cassandra, Buddy, and little Rufus all send their love to you all.  (Rufus actually said "arf arf" and "grrrrufff ruff", but I translated doggy-talk into human for you all!)

Mitch is still the man of my dreams (even if I didn't dream about him having an affair with his secretary.  Ha ha).  But now that I found out about that, he's been well behaved and we've been going to regular counseling sessions.  The roleplaying has done wonders for us (especially in the bedroom, ROWR!).  The doctors say that ED is not very common in 35-year-old men, but since Mitch doesn't have any heart conditions (yet!) he's a suitable candidate for Viagra or Cialis.  He complains they give him headaches, but he's willing to "take one for the team", if you know what I mean.  Between his golf, tennis, and bridge games, I don't see a whole lot of Mitch on the weekends, but since his work forced him to cut back to part-time, I see enough of him during the week to make up for it!  Ha ha.

Cassie is your typical twelve year old, complete with mood swings and embarrassment to be seen with her mother.  I've tried to have "the talk" with her, since she's turning into a very pretty young woman, but she just keeps telling me she "knows all that stuff already."  It's a good thing I can trust her, because it seems all of her best friends are boys.  And she's assured me that their parents watch them like hawks whenever she's over at their houses studying, so I feel fine letting her hang out with them as long as her grades haven't dropped below the C+ average she needs to keep in order to keep her iPod and computer.

Buddy and Rufus are inseparable.  You'd think a three year old would lose interest in a puppy after a couple of months, but he just can't seem to get enough of him.  I did have to keep them apart for a while when Rufus got pinworms, but it didn't seem to help as Buddy got them just the same (did you know it takes up to a MONTH to get rid of pinworms, and you can be contagious for that whole time?)  I'm considering getting Rufus neutered, but Mitch is resisting.  (I think he is afraid that it will psychosomatically affect HIM, but I don't see how he can get any worse than he is now, ha ha).

As for me, I'm staying busy.  I just signed up to be considered as a candidate for becoming a surrogate mother.  Did you know you can earn up to $35,000 for a single pregnancy?  Plus, I just miss the feel of being pregnant (something you never have to worry about Allison, right? Ha ha).  Oh, and it helps a nice couple that can't have their own baby, so I feel like it would be the nice thing to do.  The only thing is the doctor I talked to said I would have to stop smoking first.  That's going to be awful tough, especially when I go out for drinks with the gals and everyone there is smoking.  But I think I can manage it if I just keep thinking about what I get out of the deal.

I hope everyone out there is happy and healthy and may you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! (Except for you, Shannon – I hope you and your husband and kids have a good Hanukkah – eat some pancakes for me! Ha Ha.)  Until next year, everybody!

Love,

Judy (and Mitch, Cassie, Buddy, and Rufus) Ozark

P.S. We didn't have time to get a family portrait taken this year, so here's some pictures from our beach trip this summer.  I didn't get any good pictures of Mitch after his rash cleared up, so you'll just to imagine him without the blotchy face!

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   If you could get everyone in the world to change their behavior in one way, what would you have them do differently?

    Submitted by Ross.

I checked what some people have already posted for this QotD, and there are some great answers out there:

  • By far, the most popular answer seems to be people wanting everyone to be more tolerant of others, which is always a great answer – more tolerance equals less hate, less violence, less problems.  This is something I always am hoping for.
  • There are a number of variations on this theme, from people that said we shouldn't be trying to change people, and accept the way they are, to people who want others to listen better, be more courteous, practice good manners, etc.  All of these types of actions are things that grease the wheels of society, and I couldn't agree more that they would be great to have people do better or more often.
  • Some people said they want everyone to recognize/acknowledge God/religion/etc.  I'll assume this isn't a blind cry for religious conformity, but rather people who are focusing on the tolerant and accepting aspects of their religion and how the world would be a better place if people incorporated these actions into their lives…
  • Some people focused on the environmental actions, hoping people would be more green.  This would definitely help our world out, even if it isn't EVERYONE who changes their behavior in this way.
  • There were a bunch of other, more personal things out there that all had merit – definitely go check out what people have posted to see some thought-provoking answers.

As for me, I decided to consider one that I haven't seen people mention yet.  I would want people to be more appreciative of the humor and good in everything around them.  If some people had a better sense of humor, or didn't take things so seriously, or just plain appreciated the good aspects of their lives, I think the world would be a better place. 

I don't think one single action is going to change our problems with violence, war, poverty, disease, etc, but if we can change part of our outlook, we might be able to start making a dent in some of these problems in a way we didn't think we could, before. 

As a challenge to you – one time in the next week or so, when you find yourself in a situation that makes you angry or sad or upset or otherwise negative – stop for a moment and try to view the situation in another way that seems humorous, or lets you appreciate the things you do have in your life in spite of the situation.  If your change in outlook doesn't fix the issue outright (it probably wont!), did it at least help in some way?

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